typeA/B

Its been awhile so i guess its time again for another book of opinions.  as of recent, ive come to realize that there are two types of parents in this world, i see these two parenting types and black and white, but often one of these blacks or whites decide to go gray and test the lines of social acceptance.  When i say social acceptance, i sometimes think maybe its a generational gap but in some instances the gray area spans with disapproval through all generations, meaning its an unwritten rule of thumb so to speak, that is being bent.

first i will describe the type of mother i am.  i cannot speak for fathers, well, because im not one. my husband and i were talking about this this morning and as it was coming out, i thought, hmm i need to write that down.  As a 19yr old, silly, impulsive, selfish teen, the thought of having a child was ‘cute’.  in the mind of a child (myself) having a little offspring is all sunshine and glitter.  so, i started my quest, succeeded.  by the second half of my pregnancy, the thought of having a daughter was like winning the lottery to me.  a clone of myself, a bestie, my mini me….gosh how stupid was i...incredibly stupid.  then the day comes and i get my little dark haired, scrawny little girl after an agonizing 24hrs of pain, which quickly erased any sunshine and glitter that i once let consume my mind. at first it was tough, the adjustment, i was 20...but i cant tell  you exactly when it happened, it was no longer tough.  i dont know if it was how much she needed me to be strong, how much she needed me to protect her, how she looked at me, looked up to me, counted on me for everything...but it was no longer difficult.  i was born to do this, the past life...teenage years ‘im going to do this and that and go here and there, yadda yadda’ were memories that almost belonged to someone else...in fact they did, i was not that person any more.  my purpose was to be the best mother i could be.  it was no longer about me, it was about them. every decision i made, every choice presented to me, every step i took was all based on how it would impact my children FIRST.  I kept them from any danger or damage or emotional hurt that i could prevent, to this day, i doubt any of my FIVE children have seen their father & i have an argument (although those are few and far between).  i live for my kids.  i was blessed with a childhood of my own, i got to be a kid, i got to have no responsibility, now its time to return the blessing to my children and allow them their time, i had mine.  i let myself be consumed by motherhood.  

i say LET because each mother has a choice to let themselves be that type of mother or the other type of mother who believes that in order to be a good mother to a child, they have to have time for themselves, they have to put themselves first to be any good to anyone else.  This is the mother who needs a date night, needs a job for her adult time, needs those things to balance her life of individual and mother.  I cant offer much on this type of mom, since i am not one.  I can say that i do see a very dangerous fine line for this type of mom to fall into a gray area.  the choices made for keeping the ‘individual identity’ can sometimes come dangerously close to being harmful to the children.  trying to find how to keep two separate lives in which neither causes damage to the other, seems like a nightmare!  i sometimes see that the children might be tied with the parents individuality,  in the priority race of the parent.  its so incredibly difficult to wrap my brain around that, since i am the first type of mother and there was/is/never will be a question who rates top on my list.

but hey, whos judging right? well, to be honest, we all are.  mommies like me will judge the other mommies and the other mommies will judge mommies like me.  oh yes i know, judge not,that ye be not judged. but we ALL do it!!! to some extent.

 i think this does have a small bit of generational blame.  the millennials.  The self absorbed, me me me, lazy, entitled, narcissistic generation.  i can see that its hard to devote to anything other than ones self, when you fall into a true millennial stereotype.   

as we all know, there is no book with instructions on how to parent, but i hope i can safely say that both types of parents would agree that they want their children safe….yes??  from obvious danger as well as not so obvious danger &/or potential danger...right?  i wish the absolute best for those type 2 mommies in their quests for keeping two lives separated & keeping out of the gray areas!!  slipping into the gray area, could hurt those babies that didnt ask to be here.  ive noticed  the type a and type b mommies are pretty equal in numbers, so own your type, but remember be black or white, not gray!!  In MY opinion always!!  

Life

I was thinking on how to start my rant of random thoughts, the topic being 'life', so I thought to start with the definition...so funny the first one post entry in google defines it as "a sexually transmitted, terminal disease".  That made me laugh, but its true.  Life is left up to so many different interpretations on its meaning.  One might say to live, is to love freely, be kind, be generous, be all those things that God expects us to be, which is great, but instead of having the expectations of how we are suppose to live, there might be better use for a book on what NOT to do & the fact that you cannot, no matter how fast/far/often you run...you cannot run away from life.  Of course, short pauses here and there to get a breath, have a break, seemingly forget your tragic, stressful, unfair LIFE if for only a few moments or couple of days.  News flash though, guess what waits for you after youve caught your breath? Guess whats been resting as well and will come back at you even harder?  Guess whats been compromised in your breif pause? It simply does not go away, the choices you make in your journey are whats caused you to believe that you need a break from what you feel you cant handle, but who did it??? YOUR CHOICES. YOU.  So we run away, make more poor choices, act in selfish ways, act as if we are a entity all alone in a world and we exist to no one. Fear makes you run, fear of the unknown but also cowardice, there is a difference...courage helps you fight, it takes no courage to run away.  Selfishness, its one thing if you are a single person, no living relatives, independent....to run off and escape, it is an entirely different thing to do that when you have a multitude of obligations and responsibilities, children, parents, extended family...thats just plain selfish.  We all have our crosses to bear, God will never give us more than we can handle and at times, we truly dont believe that statement because its almost more than we can manage.  Im not saying that as humans, we dont need someone to slow the merry go round down a bit so we can catch our footing, im saying that if youre that kid that wants the merry go round to be paused every two minutes...well, youre going to get your ass whooped by some other kids, LIFE (merry go round) is fast, furious, nauseating at times, breathtaking at times, exciting...its so many things, also inevitable! I often wonder if im odd in the way ive lived my life...i have always been stubborn, headstrong, determined & have no filter...once i became a mother at the age of 20, that is what defined me.  I gave everything i had to give & continue to do that.  My fire, my reasoning, my strength, my protection, my caring, love, devotion....everything that makes me who i am as a person...i pour into my kids, as it should be.  I have never backed down from anything, much less from troubles in life...i have met them head on and won! IM WINNING.  My priorities are in check, our God, my family, our lives..the rest will come, with those in check, there is no way to go wrong.  But if you leave any of those out or you put yourself above any, it will crack..MY OPINION.  I cannot even remember the last time i did something...anything....that was strictly for me, oh yea i do, it was when i was a selfish, self absorbed, irresponsible teenager....enjoy those times kids, because when you become an adult, you start adding to your responsibilities...get a husband, add to your life...have babies, new definition of yourself & your life becomes theirs.  To add to the fact that i dont remember my last selfish act...i also have not one desire to have one...every breath i take, every decision i make, every choice i make, comes from considering my priorities, my God, my family, our lives....there is no room in my life for the idea "if youre not swimming in lake me, you dont exist".  Some will not agree, ohhhh you need a little 'me' time....ok, well maybe YOU do, but i DONT.  I had me time...from the age of 0-20...that was enough.  Again, everything in this note is MY opinion, agree with it or not, makes no difference either way to my thoughts.

Sports Life Learning

Being a coach for some odd number of years, the ins and outs of my softball world are on my mind a lot throughout the day.  Today my thoughts were one of the underlying perks of youth sports.  As a coach, I stress that we teach our girls to be thoughtful, proud, strong, loyal, classy, tough, play with honor, be humble, trust & how to work as a team.  This is a perk-  While growing into adulthood, they will be faced with adversity, struggle, hard times, deceit, selfishness amongst many other things that arent super fun.  For that matter, im sure they will see these things well before becoming an adult.  We as adults understand or we should, that you cant control what others do, but you do control how you react to it.  So, a comparison came to mind.  In all the midst of teaching/coaching these young ladies the game of softball, I truly hope that this carries throughout their lives.  A softball team is just very similar to a relationship.  You have a dating period, you get a feel for the coaches, the teammates and how the team runs.  If the dating period is to your liking (child & parents) then you commit.  You say, yes I enjoy what is happening here, this team makes me happy, I blend well, I get along with the others, this is great!  At this point, if it were to be a relationship...this would be a 'honeymoon' phase.  Things are moving beautifully, happy all around.  Next stage is where the comfort factor comes in, you are comfortable with everything and tend to settle in, relax, feel secure.  Important thing here...you cannot be so comfortable that you stop working at the relationship.  It is something that needs constant nurturing.  Any successful couple knows, it takes equal work. You learn SACRIFICE, STRENGTH, REASONING, COMPROMISE, UNDERSTANDING, COMMUNICATION. Same on a sports team.  Then comes vultures.  Anyone/Everyone knows, when someone is in a cute little relationship, all of the sudden they become more attractive.  Girls...ever notice if you have a boy...how all the other boys start sniffing around or the girls start smiling bigger or staring longer at your boy?  Who knows why, but others on the outside looking in think, hmm, that looks great...I want that!  I want what they have!  Again, same in sports, there are vultures out there and for whatever reason, they look in and say..hmm I want that girl..she hits hard or she runs fast or shes great on the field...I want that!  They dont so much want the girl, they want the IDEA of the girl or what she can do for them.  Then the committed are tested & sometimes break.  The loyalty is tested & sometimes lost, the honor tested & sometimes thrown away, trust tested & sometimes gone.  Dont get me wrong, there are some that after the honeymoon, just dont feel right, dont fit in, arent happy...at that point, teaching should be how to communicate your feelings & handle things in a mature fashion, where both parties separate amicably.  But there are the vultures, who pick and pick and pick, trying to get a piece of something/someone that is completely happy in their 'relationship'.  The other side of the coin are those that arent taught the mature way and become the seekers...seeking out for greener grass, betraying trust, being deceitful, sneaky.  Searching for that bright shiny new toy. That person/team that will make them all they want to be...a STAR! but all is lost, those are never taught how to handle adversity, talking through a problem or knowing when there is no more work to be done and the situation doesnt fit, but maturely handling it.  they lose out on learning trust, loyalty, honor.  So in short, not really...if you dont find a sports team/coach that teaches these things to our youth, please do so at home.  Teach them how to handle life, teach them how to respect & honor commitments,  how to communicate feelings, how to walk away maturely.  At the end of the day, the lessons learned & how you acted/treated situations is what is left.  Not the shiny new toy.  And if you are happy with your choice, be STRONG, be LOYAL, be COMMITTED and fight the vultures away.  People will remember the type of person you were, long after youre gone.  As a coach, I will be loyal to my team/girls as long as the same is extended to me.  I will trust them until they give me a reason not to.  I will work for them, with them, as long as they do the same for me.  Its a team effort...a relationship doesnt work unless both(all) sides work equal amounts. Find a team, a family, a relationship, be happy, be strong & carry a big fly swatter for the vultures! (a xeno would probably work great!)

Yep, i said it.

SAMPLE AD FROM ORGANIZED TEAMS SEARCHING FOR PLAYERS: 

Team looking for bodies to fill spots, if you are a hard working, pre-made athlete, who needs no coaching, likes shoveling out thousands of $$ for the pipe dream of becoming D1 in an area where you would have better chances at winning the lottery, we are looking for you!  We offer coaches who wont remember your name, who don’t care enough to know you, who will replace you as soon as you error and above all, cherish the win at all costs.  We boast 5 teams in each age division, with a heavy roster which can sometimes reach 15 new friends and will give you lots of experience at roster swapping, opportunity to meet new teammates every weekend & the promise that it wont be a family atmosphere.  On top of all these amazing qualities, we also offer matching bags & sometimes shoes as well, which will be added on to your astronomical fees.  If you are chosen to make the team, you are also required to pay monthly fees, even in the months that we arent playing, just to retain your number within our organization.  We will require you travel to surrounding states to play in tournaments/showcases (sometimes a week long), knowing that even the JuCos here are recruiting out of state and not even looking at local talent.  When tryouts roll around again, we allow you to try out again for a spot, we even allow you to sometimes pay for said try out, even if we plan to keep you.  All this can be yours, if you are the one chosen to wear our name and play our game.  We promise to suck every ounce of fun out of the game you once loved and enjoyed playing and turn it in to a job, without pay.  Sound exciting?? Come out and show us your worthy. 

SAMPLE AD FROM AN INDEPENDENT LOCAL TEAM: 

Team looking for players to fill our roster (singular).  We need hard working, coachable kids with a love for the game.  We play some local tournaments, including state.  We offer fundraising for families to pay for their fees.  We practice on free fields, don’t have matching bags or shoes and in the off season, we continue to practice when weather allows it as well as batting cages once a week.  We encourage players to work on their skill when they arent at practice.  We will get to know your name and what type of person you are, making it easier to coach you.  We will know your parents and keep in contact with them on our goals with you.  We will expect you to hold yourself to a high standard as a person, respect, honor, discipline.  We will attempt to teach you not only the game, but also life lessons that will carry you through your adult life as a bonus!  The players that make the team, will be your only team through season and future seasons if they decide to stay with the team.  We will treat you like family and you will know we care, we will push you to be better than you think you can be.  We wont travel out of state, instead we will focus on making your summer full of fun memories, without making your parents take out a loan to do so.  We will enforce the family aspect of our team.  If this sounds like something that would be a good fit for you, give us a call and we can set up a time to meet and see if you would be a good addition to our family.

Respect

RESPECT: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. 

This is a very important word in my life.  I conduct myself to be a person who is deserving of this description.  I cannot say that everyone shares my morals on this characteristic.  Its a tough world out there and at the end of the day, would you rather have the respect of others or be known as a shady SOB?  Well, for many the latter is the choice made and regardless of whose eyes they lose their respect in, they continue to be sketchy people.   

As you all know the world I spend most of my time in is with my family.  My kids, their children, their sports, their school, their lives.  I would like to think that I have earned respect within that area of my life, with their teachers, coaches, spouses, etc.  I hold myself up to be honest, forthright, strong, protective, fearless.  I do not achieve anything in this life by being dishonest, shady, sneaky, weak or cowardly and I have raised my children the same way.  Anything in this life, you have to fight for.  This isnt a free ride.  At the end of the day, people will have the memories of what type of person you were...they will not have your trophies, your awards, the notches on your belt...they will have what type of person you were, whether it be an upstanding person whom they respected or a snake who couldn’t be trusted further than someone could throw them. 

The extra part of my life, again as you might know, is softball.  I breathe the sport, love it to a fault.  My husband and I have coached for numerous years and pride ourselves on being honest, trustworthy people within the tightnit community of fastpitch.  We fight the sometimes lonely fight of being a team that also tries to teach our players life lessons, while learning the game.  We do not cheat, we do not bend the rules as far as they can go before snapping, we do not try to get away with things we know are wrong, we don’t teach our players to play dirty/hurtful.  We teach them to respect the game, respect the opposing team, respect the officials and respect themselves.  By doing that, they are respecting us.  We work with the players that want to work with us.  We will not give up on a player who has the heart to keep working.  Loyalty.  Although I believe that we are respected as coaches, it still surprises me the actions of other coaches that deem them disrespectful in my eyes.  They will smile to your face and when you walk away, drive a knife in your back.  I guess I am guilty a little bit as I will be civil to these people, yet I know what to say and how much I cannot trust them or how much I do not respect them as coaches or people. I guess that’s part of being an adult, I make sure that I lead a respectful life and that those that I surround myself buy into the same philosophy, all the while reminding myself and others, that this world is full of shady snakes and you either walk the other way or when approached or threatened by them, you do what you can to survive their venom...off with their heads! 

that’s my rant!

Simply live..

Something I have always struggled with-jealousy.  As a child, jealous of the kids with the name brand clothes, the big houses, the disney vacations or vacations in general, being able to have dinner out all the time, having a car at 16, getting the nails done, the hair did...you get the point.  Not until you are away from home raising your kids do you start to realize the quote INSTEAD OF BEING UPSET WITH WHAT YOU DONT HAVE, FOCUS ON BEING HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU DO HAVE, holds so much truth.  I look back now and i can say, what i wore didnt matter, my house was homey & cozy, instead of meeting an irrelevant disney princess, i learned to paint a wicked design on rocks we found along our walks, i could make awesome mud pies & learned to dodge chinese throwing stars (thrown by my brother) by hiding behind bales of hay, i learned to love the crap out of spam & snow capped hotdogs!, I learned to milk a goat!, to ride a horse, to shoot.   i learned how to be creative with my own nail polish & i went to school to learn to do the hair do's!  My mother did her best as a single mother & despite what I thought at the time that I was mistreated, I SURVIVED!  My mother did more for me (without even trying) than any disney vacation ever could.  By not having a car on my 16th birthday, instead borrowing hers IF I behaved and working towards buying my own, taught me to appreciate things.  Starting out a young couple, we struggled, we drove crap cars, but they got us where we needed to go, we lived in what we could afford, not our dream house, but it was a roof.  we ate spam, hamburger helper, ramen and we lived...we started our family and they lived, thrived.  They never had nikes before they could walk, eddie bauer car seats, outfits from the childrens place.  Our vacations consisted of making it to grammas lake during the summer, but they loved it.   

So now as we have two of our babies out on their own & we see them struggle, just like we did...i hope they hear the quote over and over in their heads.  Time wasted on being mad with what you don’t have, takes away all the joy you can find with what you do have.  To my girls, you have a roof, food, water, vehicles, healthy children. husbands who love you....when there are homeless families, starving children, sick families, abused wives with no hope.  I would love nothing more than to be able to take away all the things in your life that you consider hardships.  i wish I could win the lottery and buy you both houses and the cars of your dreams and that you would be comfortable for the rest of your lives.  Ask yourselves this, would it mean anything if you had to trade the things that you DO have for the things you DON’T? 

Im not going to lie, I still get jealous as an adult.  I get mad that my kids don’t get brand new cars, shopping sprees, cruises, trips to the ocean.  I get mad when I see adults getting things I think would be awesome to have...but I step back and think...would I trade one of my blessings for that...nahhh.  i have 5 healthy kids, 4 amazing grands, a best friend that makes me laugh and is by my side every day and is the best daddy ever.  i have a mother that raised me to value things and be happy, just being.., simply! 

As my husband and I are climbing through our 40's, things are easing up, the struggle is not as hard.  We are able to have nicer things than we did in our 20s.  We are able to be our kids safety net...whether it be in the form of day care, cleaning out a pantry, taking up the slack here and there, but still making sure they know, its not easy, life is not easy...you have to work hard and it doesn’t happen over night, or in a year, maybe not even 5 years!  But somehow, even in our darkest of times, we were always taken care of.  we were always watched after and always presented with a way of surviving ….a way of fighting to make it.  an opportunity to succeed.  

I will never be one to brag about anything, I would just as soon no one know that I get new shoes, clothes, cars, house or that my kids get anything new, clothes, electronics, etc because I don’t want anyone feeling jealous of the things we have.  I will say it again in closing...Look at your life and be happy with what you have instead of wishing you had more/different things or something that someone else has.  Understand that I can say we survived and it WILL get better, might not get easier, but it will get better...the more you let go of jealousy and embrace the way it is...acceptance.   

Raise MEN

Today I'm distraught with our younger generation and yes I am full on blaming the parents for this.  Since when is it ok to raise your children to be liars, cheats, hateful pieces of sh!t?  When did the chapter on manners, behavior, morals & standards needed to become a man, get torn out of the parents manual?  Oh there is no manual? so we just wing it...well, if it were a subject in college to take or a class to take as an adult to teach proper raising of kids...we would have a plethora of failures...wait, we DO have a plethora of failure parents.  Silly me, here I assume that we teach our kids to always tell the truth, its easier to keep track of the story when its true, it builds character to take any consequences that may be incurred due to the situation, it shows an upstanding quality as you venture in to adulthood, if you were taught this as a child.  I have successfully raised and am still raising 5 children.  My 2 oldest are out of the house, married, kids of their own and raising them properly.  My daughter at home is now dealing with an incident that fault is clearly upon someone else, yet this waste who is involved with said incident, was raised to lie, cheat and you can do anything you want and get away with it.  To take things even further, the boy in question, has collected all his worthless bro-code friends and convinced them to back his story which is void of any truth whatsoever.  To make a long story short, or ...attempt at making it short:
1. if you have a son, raise him honest, truthful, polite, trustworthy, loyal.  Raise him to be the type of man you would want your daughter to marry.  Don't sit back and allow him to be a worthless waste of skin and oxygen in society.
2. raise him to stand up when something isn't right, fight for those that are being wronged, be a voice for those who have none, have some frickin balls!!! even if it means standing alone. 
3. don't allow him to go along with someone who is worthless, just cause he wants to be popular, or friends with the star, or afraid of the backlash that might happen if he does stand up for victims.
I believe in karma.  its a dish best served cold.  I hope that it touches every single person who stood behind the liar and every single person who didn't stand up for the victim, cause in my eyes, youre just as guilty as the liar.  youre just as bad.  I hope it haunts you forever.  I hope that the sight of yourself in a mirror makes you physically ill, as it does me any time I see your face.  if when I die, I get an option to come back as a ghost, I'll be looking each of you up and tormenting the living shit right out of you...on the daily.
I would be mortified to parent a child who acts this way and I wouldn't tolerate it, but that would have started at a young age, when you teach your frickin kids respect, honor, morals and how to grow up to be a decent man.  something that this boy will never be!